Spinster

I have a cataloguing assignment due on Tuesday that I’m sluggishly wading through, so what better time than now to take a break from my rigid schedule of work-on-paper-for-two-minutes/fuck-around-on-internet-for-five?

I was thinking today about how sometimes I have these moments of absolute clarity. They don’t happen often and they always occur when I’m least expecting them, but sometimes the proverbial light bulb comes on over my head.

As usual, my extracurricular activities of late have revolved around boys. I was discussing the idea of dating last night and, as I’m sure anyone who’s read this more than once knows, my normal mantra when it comes to dating and relationships is something like, “I want a boyfriend! I want a boyfriend!” I guess I’m kind of tired of that, though.

This morning, I was thinking about dating and relationships and boyfriends and all of that, and I realized that I’d been repeating the same sad refrain for so long (see mantra, above) that I hadn’t actually stopped to consider what I really want. Like, why do I feel like there is something missing in my life? Is there, actually? Cause the thing is, most of the time, I like my life. Sure, I bitch up a storm about school and work and what have you, but I’m not unhappy or anything. I have a decent job and lots of hobbies; and my recent rediscovery of photography has just brought something back, some creative spark that hasn’t been there for a while; and I have friends and a great roommate (also friend, of course). I have Six Feet Under (don’t laugh–my feelings for that show may be inappropriate, but they are real, damn it!). So what, exactly, is missing? Sometimes I get lonely, but if i remember correctly, having a boyfriend doesn’t by definition solve that particular problem. So, maybe I do want a relationship and maybe I don’t. I guess that at this exact moment in time, I would have to say that I’m not really sure of what I want. It’s so weird to totally reconsider something that you’ve convinced yourself of for so long, but I feel so free right now, as if I’ve been released from some weird mental bondage or something.