Spinster

He stole my burrito.

The last time I went grocery shopping, I bought an Amy’s burrito. I am very, very fond of these guys -they’re perfect for when I don’t feel like cooking or for taking to work. I had plans to go out last night, and I try to eat beforehand cause me + alcohol – food = death. I’d decided to eat my burrito, and I was pretty excited about it, as they’re surprisingly delicious for frozen food.

I pre-heated the oven while I did the dishes, and as soon as I finished up, I opened the freezer. No burrito.

“What the fuck?” I thought to myself. “I know I didn’t hallucinate buying it.”

I checked the fridge, thinking I’d maybe put it there by mistake. Nothing. I looked in the freezer again in case I’d missed it the first time. Nothing.

Lorien is out of town, so I knew she hadn’t taken it. Plus, she doesn’t take things, unless it’s milk which is ok, and she always buys me more. I thought about who else had been in my apartment. Alli, but she brought a sandwich, and who goes to someone else’s house and steals their food anyway?

Then I remembered. Lorien’s boyfriend, Dave, had spent the past couple of days at our place; in fact, he’d just left that afternoon. He was sick, so he stayed in bed pretty much the whole time. But he wasn’t just sleeping. No, he was eating. He ate chips and an entire box of chocolate turtles; he ate bags of sour keys and strawberry Nibs. (We won’t try to understand why someone who was sick was eating crap.) I knew then that he’d eaten my burrito.

But I had to have proof. I went through the garbage. (Shut up. It’s not as gross as it sounds -we recycle and green bin everything we can, so our garbage is generally wrappers and takeout containers.) Sure enough, under a bag of crap he’d gathered from Lorien’s room, was my burrito wrapper.

I tried calling Lorien to warn her that Dave’s life was in danger (you do not fuck with me when it comes to food; I’m extremely territorial and possessive) but she was sleeping (at 2 pm? Girl, get out of bed already!), so I called Heather and Alli and bitched to them about it.

Verdict: Dave will die.