Spinster

So, some of my relatives are very devout Pentecostal Christians. Which means that not only was I not able to use alcohol as a social lubricant over the weekend while visiting, I also had to watch my mouth. I am pretty sure that I say ‘Oh my God’ once a minute, and ‘fuck’ is definitely my favorite word. While I can certainly be petty about stuff like that, and instead of respecting people’s boundaries I wouldn’t put it past me to flaunt my heathenness (is that a word?) by drinking and cursing like a sailor, I just cannot do that to my aunt and uncle. They are the nicest people in the world, and they have never once, in their entire lives, suggested to me that my lifestyle is inappropriate or wrong. They know full well that I do not adhere to the Christian faith and that my politics are super liberal — they think Canada is a perfect fit for me — but they never, ever judge me for it. So, I figure that the least I can do is attend their daughter’s bridal shower, put the old language filter on, and bow my head with the best of them for one measly weekend.

I didn’t take my anti-depressant yesterday and there was hell to pay for that. I just forgot to take it in the morning cause I didn’t eat breakfast at home, and then I wasn’t able to take it later in the day. I’ve missed it before and I pretty much knew what I was in for, but I’ve never not taken it for that long. I started feeling dizzy yesterday afternoon, and that continued all day. I couldn’t even turn my head or move my eyes without feeling it. That was expected. What I didn’t expect were the extremely vivid, extremely weird and annoying dreams. I vaguely remember that from when I started taking Effexor, that I would have really vivid dreams that would just haunt me throughout the day. Last night was certainly no exception. Even though I took the stupid pill when I got home this morning, at 11:30, I didn’t feel better until this evening, after a major nap. What scares me about this is that if I ever had to stop taking it, I would be basically incapacitated for however long it takes the drug to leave my system. I wouldn’t be able to work; I was barely able to cross the street properly this afternoon. But taking it just makes such a huge difference in my ability to stabilize. Before I started it, I was a complete wreck, prone to bouts of depression pretty regularly, and also super nervous in social situations. I don’t know if I’ll ever be perfectly at ease in large groups of people — I sort of doubt it — but at least I can attend parties and meet people at bars without having a nervous breakdown beforehand.