Spinster

This has been such a bittersweet weekend: on the one hand, Alli’s finally back from Asia; on the other, Lorien left for Yellowknife today for three months. That in and of itself wouldn’t be so bad, if I knew where I was going to be when she gets back. I could still be here, in Toronto, or I could be God knows where. Also, Alli and I said goodbye to Stephanie on Friday, who’s moving back to Minnesota. I know that things will work out for her, but I’m going to miss her a lot.

I organized a barbecue for Lorien’s last night, so yesterday evening a bunch of us gathered at the place where Dave was housesitting. It was amazing. The garden there is gorgeous, so we bought a bunch of food to barbecue, and we set up a table outside. The weather was lovely — during the day it was warm and sunny, and in the evening, cool and breezy. A bunch of people from Lorien’s program came, plus some of my friends. Dave set out a cheese spread, which was delicious, and the wine was flowing freely. We gorged ourselves on cheeses and crackers and dips…but somehow managed to have room for grilled chicken and burgers and steaks and hot dogs.

At one point, I was sitting on a bench at the far end of the garden, watching everyone talking and laughing and I was struck by how much I love my friends. I always have been a big friends person; when I become close with someone they know me better than my family knows me. Moving away is difficult because of those bonds — the night before I left Portland for Miami, the night after my going-away part/berry cordial bash, I cried on Paula’s futon while Eric laughed at me/comforted me. Saying goodbye to Aundra and Vito and Gavin, after graduating from college, was so hard. I remember standing in my empty apartment, the one that Vito, Gavin, and I shared, and my family had just left to return home from visiting for graduation, and being so overwhelmed with sadness and loneliness that I’m surprised I was able to leave that day.

Of course, all of those times, things have worked out — I’ve made new friends. Unfortunately, I’m not really still friends with everyone from Portland and that sometimes bothers me, but for the most part, I’m happy for who I have in my life. Not all friendships are built to last. Sometimes it takes distancing yourself from people to realize that you didn’t have that much in common in the first place. Some friendships are so important, however, that living across the country from someone isn’t enough to break the bond.

Anyway, I guess the point of this post is just to point out that things are changing and that I’m not entirely comfortable with those changes. While I know intellectually that things will work out and everything will be alright, it’s hard to see that from where I’m standing now.