War, an apt metaphor for dating. Or is it, Dating, an apt metaphor for war?

August 18, 2007 at 7:37 pm | Posted in boys, life | 6 Comments
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So, I don’t know who really reads this blog, other than some of my friends and some of my classmates and coworkers. But if you’ve met me for even a second, you’ve probably heard me say at least one of the following:
“Dating is a nightmare.”
“I hate men.”
“I’m never dating anyone ever again. Ever ever ever.”
“Dating is like walking through a minefield — you never know if your next step is going to blow you up or land you on solid ground.”
“I give up.”

It’s no longer necessary or expected for women to marry straight out of high school, or even college/university, thank God. I can’t even imagine being married right now, let alone married to some dude I met when I was 16 or 20. I am not on the marriage/babies track; I don’t know if I want kids. The biological clock isn’t ticking, that’s for sure. But still, I feel that companionship is extremely important. One of my goals in life is to have a lasting emotional, sexual, intimate relationship with a man. Preferably a decent, unmarried man. And so, I find myself at 26, looking for a partner. (I’ve always hated that word, “partner,” when used to describe heterosexual relationships. Just say, boyfriend, or girlfriend, ok? But now I kind of think that it’s appropriate — I’m not looking for a sugar daddy or a baby daddy or any kind of daddy (I already have a father, thanks!), and “partner” has the connotation of equality and companionship, two things I value highly.) So, for the past four years, since the end of my “college marriage” relationship, I’ve been out there.

I love hearing stories from the dating front. One of my coworkers has the most incredible and unbelievable catalogue of first date nightmares. Consider these: a woman so close to lesbianism that she was practically her own pride flag, a Buffy-obsessed lawyer whose entire apartment was decorated like the fictional character’s condo, a pre-op male-to-female, and a woman on a day-pass from a mental institution. As he put it, “I put on the dating magnet and attract all of the cheap metal in the GTA.”

My friends and I have our own, less shocking but probably exponentially more dramatic, catalogue of dating history. Between us we’ve heard every opening and closing line in the book…we’ve had one night stands and long-term relationships and everything in between…we’ve slept with ex-boyfriends and -girlfriends…we’ve dated and re-dated and tried so hard to jam square pegs into round holes (so to speak)…we’ve obsessed and neurotically picked apart every single syllable uttered by a man — or a woman…

Sometimes I find it pretty amazing that anyone, anywhere has managed to meet someone else. Consider all of the things that have to come together for that to happen: both people have to be in the same place at the same time, be mutually attracted to each other, live in the same geographic region at the very least, be single at the same time, and not be irreparably damaged. And that’s just for them to decide to go on a date! Imagine the things that have to happen for a relationship to develop… As I said, amazing.

I’m just not sure I can do it all right now. I’ve been dating pretty much constantly for FOUR YEARS. That is, like, the world’s longest marathon. I’ve barely had time to breathe. Wait. Does that make me sound like a whore? Oh, whatever, I don’t care. Point is, I’ve been busy these past four years and all I have to show for it are notches on the bedpost and a growing list of shit I won’t tolerate from men. I’m tired. I need a break.



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  1. I know this sounds weak coming from someone who is in a relationship, but I’m proud of you. I think a break is right what you need right now. That whole cheese line of, when you stop looking you’ll find it. Who the fuck knows, you might even find something you didn’t even think to look for!

  2. Yes, stop dating for a bit. I think that is the best thing. Dating in concept is weird to me in many ways, I feel like if you truly want to get to know someone’s character to see if they may be relationship worthy, starting off the connection by getting to know them as a friend is necessary. If you start off a relationship with someone with a mutually held expectation that this person is either long-term or shit, and your past experiences of dating partners is by-in-large they are shit, then you will look for the shit-esque aspects in their character to confirm your previous perception that you won’t be able to find someone. On the other hand, if you get to know someone as a friend, casually, naturally, and organically without any preconceptions or expectations in the mix, then it is much easier to figure out the true nature of your connection with that person and then it will naturally become more clear to you whether this person is relationship material, friendship material, or simply fluff.
    It seems to me that by dating people all the time it is possible that you may be always looking specifically for the people who fit in the relationship material category rather than letting the truth of a connection manifest itself organically.

  3. My friend told me, and a table full of other people, something interesting when I went to her wedding last weekend. We were all communing about how our dating lives seem like these intolerable, complicated slogs and we’re all jealous of her and her now-husband, who were like perfect together from day one. And she said, “We talked about that, and we discovered that we were just like that until we met eachother, and I think it’s like that for everyone. Dating sucks until one day, out of nowhere, it stops sucking. There’s really nothing you can do to make that day come faster. It’s just a thing that happens.” And I think that’s right.

    Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take a break if that’s what feels right. That sounds like a decent idea. What’re you gonna do to fill the time, though? 🙂

  4. Dan! As if I don’t have enough crafts to keep me busy. I’m taking a pottery class in September, too. Apparently, I think I need a new hobby.

  5. I think alcohol and casual sex will get me to that day: The Day Dating Stops Sucking. Please note, that will be the only anniversary I will ever consider celebrating.

    And as for my methods, I’m only sure of the one. The alcohol. A single girl’s best friend. Other than her human best friend(s). Of course.

  6. Good for you woman! I think a break will be good. Just let it happen. Is it too cliche to say if it’s meant to be….?
    It is amazing that people find each other – I still can’t believe Drake and I found each other. But once we did, it was so easy. We just liked each other a whole lot, and then loved each other, and now we still like and love each other 6 years later. And I think at the point we met, I had given up and was taking a break…or at least that’s what I told myself. 🙂

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